Post #58 - Trump's Lost Stimulus Video

News item: Trump signs his name on gushing stimulus check letter -- gushing about himself.

Along with a check, millions of Americans received this letter accompanying their government check: “My Fellow American,” begins the letter, on a copy of White House letterhead, arriving in an envelope from the Treasury Department and the IRS from Austin. “ Our top priority is your health and safety.”

“As we wage total war on this invisible enemy,” Trump continues, “we are also working around the clock to protect hardworking Americans like you from the consequences of the economic shutdown.”
“Just as we have before, America will triumph yet again — and rise to new heights of greatness.”

Word is there is a video message he created but was scotched at the last minute. We got hold of it, however. This is what he said, in a speech behind his desk in the Oval Office.

My Fellow Americans (except you minority people, immigrants, illegals — we know who you are. Stephen Miller is tracking each one of you down.)

Our great country is experiencing an unprecedented public health and economic challenge as a result of the global coronavirus pandemic. I call it the CHI-nese virus, with a CH, but Hope Hicks, and who would you want to look at all day, her or that idiot Sean Spicer who buys his suits off the rack?. She says don’t call it the Chinese virus because it’s mean to the Chinese people but the Chinese people in this country love me. President XI is a good friend of mine. We do a lot of business together. He’s Chinese but he’s from the country I call “CHI-na” with a CH. I am very tough on those Chinese people because they’re unfair. Now, unlike with Obama, we make billions of dollars from them on tariffs that I use to pay our great American farmers who were unfairly targeted by CHI-na. They don’t mind if I call it the “CHI-nese virus. I saved the farmers. They love me. Only the leftwing fake news people mind. Why are they always so negative? Someone asked the other day if a president should be re-elected if 55,000 died while he was in office. Well, I could have killed a million of them if I wanted to and maybe I will, so I think people should be grateful I only killed 55,000. Do you think Obama would have killed that many? No, I killed more than he did. He only killed 15,000 with his Ebola virus; that was a national disgrace.

The Democrats (or the Damnocrats as I like to call them) say all those people died because I acted too late and didn’t listen to any warnings. Would you listen to that idiot Peter Navarro? That guy never shuts up. And I was supposed to listen to those intelligence briefings? Have you ever listened to those intelligence briefings? You would have if you belonged to Mar-a-Lago, and if you did you’d tune them out too. It’s all this war and that war, and this genocide and that genocide. All this bad news. I tell them all I want is good news. If you don't have good news, don't give it to me. Give Jared the bad news. He’s a Jew. He’s used to that. They are always complaining about the Holocaust just when you are trying to take a second tee off shot. Who cares anymore. That was more than a hundred years ago, and I care about history. Nobody knows more about history than I do. 

Besides, they think that RUSSH-a, with a “RUH” wanted me elected over Crooked Hillary in 2016. Well, who wouldn’t, right? I’ve seen her from behind. If you saw her from behind you wouldn’t want her elected either. Now, we have Melania, an incredible first lady, the best in history. People tell me that Eleanor Roosevelt was the greatest first lady. Have you seen her picture? I have to look at it every day. No wonder her husband risked his life going up San Juan Hill. If I was married to her, I would have too.

Or Michelle Obama. What did she ever do. Get people to eat better? Have you tried organic lettuce? I did and spent the day with stuff coming out of my whoosits.  How does that help the American people? Let them get their food from our great meatpackers like Tyson and Smithfield. People, some people, complain about conditions there. That’s why I’m invoking the Defense Protection Act) to protect them from being sued if their workers get sick and die because of bad conditions. That’s why I call it the Death Protection Act. And what’s more important than getting you your pork and chicken? Do you want McDonald’s or KFC to close just because maybe one percent of the people die? That’s what I was telling to Sonny Perdue when he was handing me my weekly check last week. Don’t worry, we’ll protect you. What’s one percent of the American people, [scribbles on his desk] like 10,000, no? More people die in wars every day around the world. Or maybe I shouldn’t say that. People will start demanding we stop war. This is a war. I’m a war time president. Nobody loves war more than I do.

So because we are all fighting the invisible enemy,  In-vis-ible. With an “N” — Melania, Mitch and I are sending you this great check for $1200. Steve says, especially for you poor people, it will last you for months. People tell me it’s a great check. You know how much pasta you can buy with $1200? A lot, believe me. 

Only Nasty Nancy says people need more or that I and I alone can’t decide which of our great corporations should get stimulus funds. I say when the President of the United States wants to give out money, he should be able to give it to whomever he pleases. The fake news press should just mind their own business. Why don’t they ask Nasty Nancy why she was dancing in Chinatown or Sleepy Joe about that nice girl? Why is it they only care when I do it to girls who aren’t so nice? Then they sue me. Everybody sues me. I have a lot of lawsuits, the biggest lawsuits, but I don’t complain. I win them all. I have all the judges, incredible judges. I'm not complaining. Not like those governors. I just spoke to all of the governors. They all love me.  They tell me what a great job I’m doing, except the ungrateful ones like Cuomo. He’s always complaining, him and that nasty woman in Michigan. For months, he says send him ventilators, so I send him ventilators from our great stockpile. Now he says he didn’t need all those ventilators. Now, he can’t give them away. I mean, make a decision, right? And our great ship the Comfort. I gave that to him, now he says send it home. That’s a blue state for you. They always have their hands out. 

I could sail the Comfort to the great state of Nebraska and they’d appreciate it. I could sail it myself. No one know geography better than I do. But I won’t, because I’m in the White House working night and day for you. Like I said to Sean Hannity the other day, “Sean, no one appreciates how hard I work but I don’t care, it’s the great people around me who I care about, like that admiral guy who wears all the awards. I should wear all my awards, then maybe people will appreciate me, but I don’t because it would be bragging. Besides, there wouldn't be room for them all, I get so many. So let them say bad things about me but I don’t want them insulting my great experts, except maybe Dr. Fauci. He gets mean sometimes. He thinks he knows better than I do just because he’s a doctor. I can replace him. I have doctors. I have the best doctors. but every time I tell him I’m going to fire him he cries and begs for his job, so I let him keep it. And Deborah, I like Deborah. She never disagrees with me. And I love those scarves. They’re so classy. Hillary could take a few lessons from her, believe me. If you saw her from behind you’d yell lock her up too. She could lose a few pounds in jail.

Only the fake news people don’t like me. They’re always taking about people dying as if that didn’t happen every day, and people die from the flu, and they die from the economy. The depression kills people. That’s why they call it that, because people get depressed if the stock market goes down, but I created the best stock market in history. Nobody was killing themselves when the market hit 28,000. Everybody was happy. Now they’re sad. Who's fault is that? I just try to keep people happy. Maybe they can get better by swallowing disinfectant? What do I know. I'm not a doctor but don't you think I tested it before I said anything. I just said, "Mike, drink it," and he did. After we revived him, he said, "Mr. President, I'm proud to be sitting here in my own vomit because it was your great suggestion." Mike doesn't have the virus. Is that just a coincidence? You tell me.

I built the best economy in history. Why would I shut down the government. I didn’t shut down the government. People like Cuomo did. The great Republican governors didn’t, and now they’re all reopening and doing great business. I hear the malls are full. People are dying to get in.

People say my numbers are down. I don’t get it. So people die from the invisible virus. But it’s mostly old people. As long as we’re being honest here, nursing homes are expensive. I just found that out, and people can live forever in there, and what are doing all day, sitting in a chair drooling. If they’ll lucky maybe they make a bowl, and then they make another tomorrow because they forgot about the one they made today. They can't even go to the bathroom properly, so someone has to change them like every three days, so let’s be honest I’m doing everyone a favor, right?

People say if I play golf my numbers will really go down, which is funny because in golf the better you are the lower your numbers are. Last year I got a hole in one. Mike know, he was carrying my bag. Now, I can’t play because the fake news will get a picture and I’ll look bad. I don’t get that. Isn’t that why I have Mike here? Now, there’s someone who works. He’s vacuuming my office right now. He is an incredible Vice President. The best vice president in history. Every day I tell him about a new cure for the virus I call the invisible enemy. This morning, while Mike was giving me my shave, I said, “Mike, this just gave me an idea, why can’t people take a razor and swallow the blade, cut the virus out of their bodies? It can’t hurt, right? And Mike said, “That’s a great idea, Mr. president, and a great example of your true leadership. It’s an honor for me to work for you.”

So here is your check. Steve tells me people can live for months on it. If you want to thank me, send a few bucks back to the Republican committee. You don’t even have to tell us, we’ll know if you didn’t. We have a lot of work to do this summer if we are going to win another great victory like the one I won in 2016. Nobody thought I could get 306 electoral votes but I did. 

I hope you will spend the money on American-made products like the iphone or one of Ivanka’s pocketbooks so the economy will come back stronger in the third quarter just like never before. I know because I built this economy. I inherited a bad economy, just like I inherited a bad health system from Obama. 

Don’t think you’re getting another one though. For one thing, Mitch says no more. He hates bailouts unless his state gets some of it, but I think Tennessee got plenty.....

[video cut off]


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